Monthly Archives: July 2013

i am the disposable bulk of neurotic levy

i am not here i am not enough

i am melting into constellations of silver gases




Thought Catalog

I called up my favorite writer, William Vollman, and told him I had AIDS. He had just written a book (this was around 1994) about a guy who went to Thailand who got AIDS.

I didn’t have AIDS. I wanted to somehow connect to Vollmann. I didn’t know anyone with AIDS. I didn’t know any writers. I just wanted to have fun. In retrospect, it was stupid.

He called me back a few days later and left me a message on my answering machine. I was standing right next to the machine but didn’t want to pick up.

He said in his foggy, slow voice, “I’m really sorry to hear you have AIDS. There are lots of groups out there that can help you out.” He left me his phone number and told me I could call him anytime I wanted.

I never called him . Sorry I lied to…

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last week of bum life. i’m determined not to make it too memorable but instead gently ease myself into the new school term. it will be ok. as of late, i’ve found it really difficult to complete things i’ve started. motivation comes in spurts and i get only half the job done. like a drawing i started 2 days ago – i made a mistake and didn’t have an eraser. so i put it away and told myself tomorrow. this is exactly how i became fat.

this is how a fire feels like
but pyromania is not an option (yet)

Thought Catalog

You’re suddenly ugly, even if you never were before. The little spots and lines and dimples on your body that used to just seem an inescapable part of you who are — like the color of your eyes or the length of your legs — become these horrible scars that you wish you could scrub right off your skin. The word “insecurity” suddenly takes on a very clear, visceral meaning. You are not secure in your body: you can’t trust it, you can’t relax in it, you can’t just let it be. It’s something that must be controlled and maintained and managed. Even if you love yourself, all of a sudden you can only find flaws (because you imagine they will, too).

It’s so strange, though, because you really do like them so much, and a huge part of that is how kind and fair they come across. On a…

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Probably the last of nights I will ever have with everyone around. It is quite a shitty feeling, knowing how in a matter of weeks everyone will be off to live their new lives. Time has proven (again) that good things never last but then again things don’t have to last to justify their goodness.

I hate goodbyes there’s nothing good in them

How very cruel


Apart from broken feet and having less than 8 hours of sleep in 2 days

I made new friends who hate happy people

Work turned out better than expected

No work for the rest of the week! I am eating a chocolate chip cookie 😦