I have always been comfortable looking at death, the understanding that it is a part of life always felt right. No one should live forever. It is the pain that comes along with the grief that I find myself unable to process. It is too often mercilessly unabated and irrevocable.
For as long as I live, I will lose Tessa over and over again.
i find myself trying ever more radical executions of unsophisticated supper meals in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. today i tried this recipe:
Korean Samyang Fried Spicy Noodles
Ingredients: 1 packet of said instant noodles
Place packet in microwave oven.
Sit in chair facing the microwave and sit in it forever.
Think about how hungry you are.
When night falls, do not turn on the light.
while a void is expressed in this recipe, i am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. how can the eater recognise that the food denied him is instant noodles and not some other dish? i am becoming increasingly frustrated.
the realisation that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own — populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness — an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.
Barely 1/4 through my essay….. Crying
Ok it is only a matter of time before my obsessions turn around and choose to destroy me
How did I lose you so quickly? Please come back to us please please please
Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to have many friends — people always seem so happy, like it’s all they really need, but then it seems like way too effort and will likely not be worth it in the end. Haha idk JUZ THINKIN BOUT STUFF